Baubos

 

Carrie Gerstmann

 

Demeter, she who dances the trees into bud and the flowers into bloom was in serious need of Prozac. She lay in the snow; her tears froze as they hit the ground; brothers and sisters, it was winter. She could not find her daughter, Persephone, any where.

It remained winter for a long time.

All at once, a bush began to shake. Icicles jingled elf giggles. A tall oak guffawed until everything began to laugh! When the laughter could grow no more intense, poof! -- Baubos appeared.

Now, you might be asking yourself, "Who is Baubos?"

Baubos had an infinite number of hairs, pointing in an infinite number of directions, refuting the paradoxical finiteness of the space/time continuum. She had, on her shoulder a flamingo Tiki Tiki bird in a pink sequined gown and high heeled shoes, singing a Carmen Miranda, Charo repertoire. Her bra was like Brunehildeís, except instead of pointy metal cups, she had twin Stop "N Shop security surveillance mirrors held together by a compass clasp that pointed in no specific direction. Her heart beat out a rock Ní Roll, free jazz rhythm, jumping out of her chest with each beat, flashing a neon sign saying, "Love yourself, Love yourself..." Her skirts spiraled and undulated like the fields around an electron, bending space into a kaleidoscopic fun house mirror.

Now, Baubos had just one more pocket in her skirts than she had hairs on her head. She reached into that last pocket and pulled out six pomegranate seeds. She said, "Demeter, I need you to help me out, here. You see, Iím not sure about this cause and effect concept. If I plant these six pomegranate seeds, will I get six pomegranate bush or six apple trees or six orange trees or maybe Iíll get something otherworldly that none of us ever would have expected. What do you think?"

But Demeter did nothing. She did not even twitch her little pinkie and so, Baubos took those six pomegranate seeds and placed them in Demeterís hand. Demeterís hand began to shake and sparks flew out from between her fingertips and Demeter dropped the six seeds. Right where they landed, an enormous tree shot out of the ground. This tree looked something like a psychojungle discotheque. There were creatures in the tree that looked like a cross between a mythological animal and a cartoon character.

There were go-go mermaids with purple glitter lipstick and when they opened their mouths, a thirty-two-piece Tito Fuentes style orchestra came out.

Baubos sang, with her Gogo mermaid friends, 'Iíve got plenty of nothing and nothingís plenty for me'!" And rocks and trees and even American liberal ideas rose up, formed arms and legs and formed a conga line around the tree and around Demeter. They went on singing for about three hours. Baubos ended with a big finish. She lifted up her skirts, revealing a certain noticeable part of her anatomy, her secret smile, as it were, her second self. And everything laughed until the laughter could grow not more intense. Then Demeter laughed and her laughter was a warm spring breeze. She laughed the trees into bud and the flowers into bloom, warmed birds eggs into hatching and opened the wombs of young does and sisters...

It was spring again!

 


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"Baubos" Copyright © 1999 Carrie Gerstmann. All rights reserved. Published by permission of the author.
 
This page last updated 4-24-99.

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